Embracing my weakness in wholeness
Monday, November 14, 2005 at 6:50AM I wasn't quit sure how to express what I want to say in the title. What I have been thinking about recently is how far God will go in bringing us to a place of brokenness. To a place where we are able to 'glory in our weakness'. I am much more comfortable when I feel strong and competent. I am certain that God does not take pleasure in the breaking process, but I am also certain that if it is what we have to go through to enter into a place of dependence he will allow it. I have gone through many things that have broken me down, lots of loss and pain, grief and sorrow. It has been very difficult, but it has been the road to recovery. Not a recovery of my strength, but of my dependent relationship with Jesus. I live in such a way that he truly is my 'daily bread', he is the one I turn to and depend on for what I will need to make it through today.
This is so good and I am so much more content and at peace in this place. My concern is as I begin to feel strong and able again that I will lean again on my own understanding. I want very much to move on in life, embrace God's call and give expression to my faith in Him, but I want to do that from a place of being in a continual state of knowing my need. It is in the place of not feeling and knowing my need that I begin to rely on myself for what only God can do. I have lived there for many years and although I was successful by all appearances, my relationship with the Lord suffered and I experienced a great emptiness, rather than the fullness I know now in a place of rest and dependence.
Reader Comments (3)
Carl,
I have attempted to respond to your article several times. Each time I wrote a long discertation which, ultimately, just became my own soap box. That didn't seem productive or germaine to the paper you wrote so I didn't post them.
In fairness, I realize that the paper is from your perspective. I know it is YOUR story and that is how I read it. I think your pain, anger and confusion throughout the process is evident. Also, your personal loss and the trauma to your family is the most tragic aspect of the entire mess.
I was a member of a Vineyard, pastored by one of the Board at the time of your resignation. The only thing I ever heard was that you had an alcohol and prescription medication problem and had to resign as pastor of Vineyard Anaheim. That was one of the items on the agenda at a leader's meeting shortly after you were gone. No other information was given and it was clear that it would NOT be given due to confidentiality.
I was saddened by the news but didn't feel the need for any more information. I hoped that you would get treatment or whatever you needed and would be back one day. You were one of my "heroes" in Vineyard lore, and still are by the way :)
But you never came back and I never heard anything more. Until very recently, when I found your blog and website, I didn't know what became of you. Through the years I have wondered exactly what happened, why you just vanished. Now I know, at least in part.
I was a part of the Vineyard from 1987 until just recently. My wife and I have moved on. I have had many, many wonderful experiences and God did many wonderful things in my time there. I know and love many who still go to a Vineyard church.
Yet, I have seen the shift in philosophy of leadership since John's death in the Vineyard. I have seen the loyalty to the organization superceding biblical mandates, especially in the area of church "discipline". I have seen people turn on each other and end up literally hating each other as a result of power struggles or philosophical differences. I, too, have reacted poorly in matters affecting me, when I was wronged by leadership. I, too, accept that I am not perfect in this area.
Carl, I think more often it is easier to get rid of the problem than to work it out. I think that the larger the church or the higher the level in a national ministry one is, the harder it is to deal with failures of others. The more successful one is, the less compassionate and understanding one can become regarding the failure of someone else, especially a peer.
I have seen very few situations where a relationship damaged by ministerial conflict has ended well. Most of the time, the "top dog" wins and the other leaves, never to be seen again or to return with their tail between their legs and properly subservient. The "top dog" then assumes the "I could NEVER trust them again!" attitude. I saw it numerous times through the years.
This guy fell and we could never sing his worship songs again. This guy disagreed with us and left the movement so we can never have his books or tapes in our bookstore. This guy left my church and I'll never minister with HIM again. Etc., etc., etc.
Even after someone is "restored" by whatever means is deemed acceptable, they are not welcomed back sometimes. I grew up in a denomination where a divorced man could never be a pastor or deacon but they could teach Sunday School. They could be trusted with our children but not any "big" ministry position? Some things I just don't get.
I can even see that your situation may have embarrassed the movement, at least to some. It hurt John, who was ill, and upset some of his spiritual sons. You weren't John, you weren't conforming to the plan. You let THEM down and how dare you? Some of that is understandable to a certain extent.
Yet, there comes a time when it is time to get over it. You were replaced, the Anaheim Vineyard survived. John passed on and was replaced, the AVC has survived. Whatever happened in the past, you have put on record your desire for this to be a closure for you and a lesson to be learned by the Church. You've done about all you can do it seems.
Of course, no situation is the same, no answer is the perfect, pat answer to these types of problems. Even handled the best way possible, someone gets hurt and sometimes a LOT of someones get hurt. It is a shame, but that is the way it goes. I am confident that God will set everything right in the end, it's just the getting there that will continue to be hell.
For me, I wish you well and I pray that your closure and healing will be completed. I pray that you will move on, pursue God's call, purpose and plans for your life. I pray that reconciliation and healing can come to your marriage, your wife, your children and yourself.
I will get my guitar and occasionally sing "Open Your Eyes", "I Give You All The Honor" or "All THe Earth Shall Worship" and thank God for you. Those songs were like a fresh, spring rain when I was introduced to them. I will sing "Hosanna" and rejoice with my home group as we lift up His Name, with our hearts full of praise!
God bless you Carl, I hope the end of your story is the best chapter EVER in your life!
Timothy
timothy will you resend you last email, I don't know how but I lost it and I wanted to respond, thanks,
carl
The facinating thing about this Christian life is that when you have gone thru something deeply humiliating, devastating, and embarassing, you will probably end up with a dab of something quite rare. This is humility.
Humility is so very hard to come by. There is a big part of me that is quite envious of Carl, and the blessings that God in His mercy has bestowed upon Carl. Carl has the blessing of seeing his sin. I am hopeful to be able to see more of mine before I die. I am hopeful to see them without beeing embarassed publicly, but if this is God's choice, then who am I to argue?
When everybody thought Carl was spiritual, he was not. Now that few do, he is attaining the begginings of humility. This will bring a deep spitituality, love and empathy for God's children.
Lord have mercy on me,
Bruce Heying