Carl Tuttle

Stay with your Pain

“When you experience the deep pain of loneliness, it is understandable that your thoughts go out to the person who was able to take that loneliness way, even if only for a moment. When you feel a huge absence that makes everything look useless, your heart wants only one thing--to be with the person who once was able to dispel these frightful emotions. But it is the absence itself, the emptiness within you, that you have to be willing to experience, not the one who could temporarily take it away”  (Henri Nouwen).

I will be the first to admit that I’m the last one who wants to welcome the pain of loneliness into my life. Experiencing the emptiness within you is difficult to do.  The temptation is to nurse your pain or to escape into fantasies about things that will take the loneliness away. But when you can acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, then you make your pain available for God’s healing. It is God who we need to turn to in our pain.

Loneliness can be something that drives you to Him and causes you to rely upon Him.  Pain allows us to get in touch with our desperate need for God. God wants to touch you in a way that permanently fulfills your deepest need. It is important that you dare to stay with your pain and allow it to be there so that you learn to own your loneliness and trust that it will not always be there. The pain you suffer now is meant to put you in touch with the part in which you most need healing, your very heart. No human being can heal that pain. Still people will be sent to you who will mediate God’s healing, and they will be able to offer you a deep sense of belonging that you desire and bring meaning to all you do. Dare to stay with the pain and trust God’s promise to you.

Sometimes the hardest pain to live with is the pain that we bring upon ourselves by our own selfish actions. As John Holland, former President of Foursquare International was fond of saying, “Don't waste the pain.”  Some of my friends call this the “stupid tax.”  The key is that we learn from it. As C.S. Lewis said,  “If our house was a house of cards felled by one strong gust of wind, the worst mistake we can make is to go about gathering up the cards and building the same house.” 

Whether the pain of loneliness is self-inflicted, or brought on by the actions of others, in God's hands it becomes and instrument of healing and contentment.  If we don't run, hide, or avoid it, then it can be a tutor; it can help teach us to trust and depend on God, the very thing we are called to do in every circumstance and situation.   “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). He will direct the course of your life.  Embrace the pain and allow God to embrace you in your pain. I am confident that you will know He is all sufficient.



I Wanna Get Naked!

Do I have your attention? Some of you may be shocked, some of you may be sickened, some of you may be saying to yourself, “What they said is true, he's nuts!”

OK, let me explain what I mean, which could make it worse, but here it goes:  A few years back I was invited to speak at a men's retreat. The thought occurred to me that I should begin the first session by coming out naked! Yep, buck-naked!!!!!! OK, maybe some sandals to protect my delicate feet, other than that, come out in all my splendor. In my mind I could clearly see the reaction. I could see guys falling out of their chairs laughing. I could see them staring at me in complete and total disbelief, but most of all, I could see and hear a group consensus emerging....”Put something on!”  If I had actually done this, it would have made these men exceedingly uncomfortable. They would not have been able to endure me standing before them naked. And this reminded me of church!

We say we want to be open, transparent, honest, accepting, but we work really hard at covering up our imperfections and we become really uncomfortable when we are exposed to the imperfections of others as well.

There appears to be somewhat of a double standard at work in our midst, "Come as you are,” but  “Change, at least on the outside as soon as possible!”  The raw, naked truth makes us very uncomfortable. I think mostly because we don't know what to do with it. We tell people they just need to make right choices and everything will be OK.   Gosh, I wonder why Jesus never thought of that? Are you going to tell me He did? Is it some sort of Omega code hidden in the Sermon on the Mount?

You can argue that Jesus invited us to “Come and die” and that's a choice. But Jesus never invited anyone to do anything. Jesus was at the right hand of the Father when all that exists was created...the One who said, “Let there be light and there was light,” doesn't invite, He commands. When Jesus says, “Follow me,” it is not a suggestion. In Jesus’ time if a Rabbi said, “Follow me,” there was no other answer but “Yes.” It was the greatest honor of that time. It meant you were the best of the best of the best. I was like being asked to serve the President of the United States; you just did it.

Are there multiple-choice options when Jesus says, “Come to me”? Are there some other ways to find rest? Is there some other way to learn from Him, be instructed by Him than to come to Him?  I contend it is not simply a matter of ”right choices” or a commitment to a particular program that leads to life. I would contend that it is complete, total surrender to the One who says, “Come to me all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  A set of principles will not give you rest, a series of right choices will not won't give you rest, the right affiliation will not bring peace and contentment. It's not in a principle; it's in Him.  Before Him we stand “naked and unashamed” and He clothes us in His perfection, His “rightness” so to speak.

It seems to me that there is no way to enter into the community of faith as those who follow Jesus, other than to admit that we fall impossibly short of His perfection. There is no way to be a “Christian” other than to admit that we are completely and totally un-Christ like.  In classics language we are sinners, who need a savior. But it appears, having once admitted that, we try to distance ourselves from that reality as quickly as possible.  Conforming to our new surrounding, acting and looking like everyone else, so others won't see that having come to Christ we are still flawed and hopelessly lost without Him.  We learn the language of church, adapt to the culture and blend in, all the while struggling with the fact that we are still sinners who need a savior, but can no longer admit it once we are "in” so we cover up. Moses did it and Paul busted him. Moses was in the presence of the Lord and he radiated that presence and it scared the people, so Moses wore a veil. Paul rats him in telling us that Moses wore the veil long after the glow had gone. Hmmm sound familiar?  

One of the things I really appreciate about “High Church” is the fact that communion is the center of the whole liturgy.  The altar, the place where we openly admit we are sinners, serves as a reminder to us that “If we confess our sins, because He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”   In a sense when that is done we do so in nakedness. We are unable to pretend that we don't fail, that we aren't flawed, that we don't sin. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why Jesus instituted Communion as one of the central sacraments of the faith----So the pretenders can't pretend.  It's a place where we have admit that even though we made all the right choices and followed all the right principles, kept all the right promises, we are still sinners who need a Saviour. You cannot take communion and cover up your flaws, in fact, if you take Communion, you are admitting you are flawed, that you fall short.  I just wish that afterward we wouldn't go back to pretending and covering up.  I want to get naked! I want to be who I am, warts and all! I want to be loved by God's people like I am loved by God.

I don't want to feel like I need to cover up, because my pain, my brokenness, my failures make others uncomfortable in a church culture that says if you come to Jesus your marriage will be better. If you come to Jesus your kids will be better. If you come to Jesus your finances will be better. Is that the Gospel?  And I don't want others to cover up because they feel their pain, their brokenness, and their failures will make me uncomfortable.

We are what we are; we are who we are. Before God we are naked and unashamed, before each other, not so much.

I just want to be who I am and what I am, the same person before God as I am before others. I don't want to have to try and hide, try to conform, try to cover up for people when I don't have to cover up for God. But unfortunately, I feel like I need to, I feel like I have to because my “nakedness” makes others cringe.

"Just as I am, I come to thee..."

Naked I came into the world; naked I will leave this world, blessed be the name of the Lord!

Man Am I stupid!

Not exactly the uplifting title you would expect for a blog post,  but there is some truth in it, especially in light of Proverbs 12:1,“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.”   I actually love this verse and the NIV translation leaves little to the imagination.  One does not need a full working knowledge of the Hebrew language to get the idea that’s it’s pretty stupid to run from God’s discipline.  It’s pretty clear that in God's economy correction is a good thing and beneficial to us, yet in my experience most people are not naturally inclined to embrace it, or like it, let alone love it! But correction, in particular correction that comes from the hand of God, is a necessary and unavoidable part of relationship with God---“because the LORD disciplines those he loves” (Proverbs 3:12).

The problem is that when I am being corrected and disciplined by God, I don’t always see it as the hand of a loving Father who is looking out for me and helping me grow spiritually. I tend to see the testing and sundry of other not so appealing elements and it is my tendency to avoid it at all costs. Yet I know that it is through the times of correction that I experience the most spiritual growth.  It is when life picks me up and slams me to the ground that I am made acutely aware of my need. And that is the place I actually find to be the safest. When I am aware of my need, it causes me to turn to the only One who can meet that need.  The Apostle Paul, who seemed to be always cognizant of God’s refining fire, called it “glorying in weakness.”

The important thing is that we need to be aware, alert and paying attention when the time of correction comes, so that we do not try to escape or elude it.  We need to be careful not to seek to invalidate the correction because it comes from someone or some situation that we deem unworthy of bringing correction to us. Remember God used the Philistines to bring correction to the Israelites.  God can and will use any way and means to bring about the work and growth He desires in His children.  Let’s not forget this certainty: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it”  (Hebrews 12:11).

Let’s not be stupid.  Let’s not allow ourselves to hate correction, even though we are not always too thrilled with the painful process. Let’s find reassurance in the fact that correction is an indication that God loves us, knows we exist and is looking out for us.  Amen to that!

“The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:17-18).

There are many of us who have had the experience of being brokenhearted, and have suffered from a crushed spirit.
There are many things in life that can lead to these places, such as things others do to us, things that simply happen because of life’s agenda, and things that are a result of stupid things we have done, which often leave us with feelings of regret.

I guess it doesn’t matter what caused the pain, as much as the way we feel when we are in that place. In fact, focusing on the cause can often distract from the process that will lead us out of despair. By that I mean when we focus on a person or persons we can avoid the responsibility that we have in the healing process by maintaining and holding onto the hurt.

John Wimber used to say, “You can either get bitter, or you can get better.” If we go down the path of “life’s not been fair to me,” and use this as an excuse to harbor resentment, then we will become bitter people. Life happens. It’s what we do, how we respond, what we learn, and how we grow through it that matters.

If we brought the misery upon ourselves, we can avoid the healing we need by not forgiving ourselves, obsessing on our failures, and become captivated by our regrets to the point of paralysis.

Regardless of how we get to the place of despondency, the answer for escaping such a place is found in a constant and everlasting truth: God is for you. We have to believe this promise even we don’t feel it, can’t understand it or circumstances cause us to question whether it is true. It is true! Because we may not believe it’s true, doesn’t make it untrue. Circumstances can’t make it untrue, people can’t make it untrue, it is simply something that is true about God and doesn’t change.

In one of my darkest hours I cried out to God and said, “Either you love me like you say you do, or you don’t. Well, I need to know which one it is because if you don’t, and if you are really angry and displeased with me and have contempt for me, I need to know. If you love me like the Bible says without condition; if you are with me in the darkness and in the light, I need to know that. Even though everything around me is screaming that isn’t true,
I need to know that at least I have that to hold on to.”

God answered me and made it abundantly clear to me that He was with me and He was for me, even though it didn’t look or feel like it. He used people to do it----a phone call here, an email there, a “chance” run in with an old friend. He made it clear He was around and had not given up on me.

Circumstances didn’t change. In fact things got worse. I wasn’t instantly happy. I was in fact depressed for years. My living conditions and finances didn’t turn around over night; people who had distain for me still did, and some probably still do, but it was okay because He let me know that the words of the psalmist were true…”He is with the brokenhearted and He rescues those who are crushed in spirit.”

Being rescued may not come when, how or through whom you think it would or will; it may not look like you expect it would, but it will happen, “Let God be true and every man a liar.” Our circumstances can lie to us, people will lie to us, we can lie to ourselves, but God doesn’t lie to us. So we don’t place our trust in others (dumb) or need our circumstance to change before we can experience joy; we place our trust in God and that is something He rewards.

In case you haven’t heard, I am launching a church plant in Orange County called Restoration Fellowship. Believing that, from the time we enter into a relationship with Jesus, until the day we are with Him in heaven, we are all in the process of restoration, it is my heart’s desire to initiate a work that will create a loving, accepting, forgiving and patient environment for people to experience God’s love and restorative power in their lives.  All too often in the church we find ourselves lacking in these areas, especially patience, and far too often we see many succumbing to gossip even though they are equipped enough in the Scriptures to understand the Apostle Paul’s admonition to “mind your own business” (1 Thessalonians 4:11). 

Years ago when I was a part of John Wimber’s pastoral team, one of the team members reported on a person that he had prayed for during the Sunday service. I could tell he was frustrated by the experience as he looked at John and said,  “You know that guy comes forward every week and gets prayer for the same thing.”  John looked at the guy and said, “Yeah?”   “Well, I can’t believe it; I don’t think he’s repentant. He comes forward every week repenting of the same thing.”  John looked at the guy and said,  “That’s just great” with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.  The man was a bit startled and said, “What do you mean, that’s great?”  John said, “Hey man, I think it’s great that although this guy keeps blowing it, he’s not giving up. His heart is still soft, he feels convicted over his sin, and that’s wonderful. “Then in that special Wimber way he ended by saying, “It takes as long as it takes.”

I loved the whole interaction John had with the team member; it was so refreshing and so instructional.  I firmly believe in the point John was making: As long as the man keeps coming and doesn’t give up, there is a chance things will “take” one day and he will be set free.  I want to have that kind of place; a place where people can keep coming and we won’t give up on them. A place where we see our role as encouragers and supporters of the work God is doing; not judging, not condemning, but rather embracing and loving people right where they are in the restoration process.

God has done this for me and I feel called to lead a work that will be places where we can all grow and be renewed, transformed, and restored by the grace and mercy of God.   I believe that God is calling me back to the place I experienced my greatest failures to be an example of His kindness and mercy. I have learned some things in the wilderness, in the valleys and in the dark and lonely places.

First and foremost, I have learned that He is sufficient, that He is faithful, that He is forgiving and He never gives up on us.  I believe there is plenty of room in our local communities for a church like this, a fresh work----a new wineskin if you will.

The simply fact is the church nationwide is shrinking; various statistics indicate that more than 10 churches a day are closing their doors! And there are considerably less than that launching. The United States is now the largest English speaking mission field in the world.  New church plants are substantially more effective at reaching the un-churched than older and established churches. Yes, we are all aware of the exceptions, but as a rule, church planting is the most effective form of evangelism.

I expect to reach primarily two types of people:  the de-churched and the un-churched.  I expect to assimilate some folks who have quit going to church anywhere --- the “de-churched people.”  They are discouraged, feel disconnected, and no longer feel that they belong. Some are bruised and feel that the church has let them down and certainly that people have let them down. Restoration Fellowship will provide a chance for a fresh start, a place that is safe and provides a place to worship and fellowship with others who will welcome and encourage them. Restoration Fellowship will be highly relational and organic, rather than institutional.

Additionally, I expect to reach un-churched people through their connections with “de-churched” people. People who have been “out” for a while primarily have friends who don’t attend church anywhere, and through these relational networks we will be introduced to people who we can develop relationships with and dialogue with regarding “the hope we have within us.”

I believe God wants me to plant Restoration Fellowship.   He wants me to step out in faith, returning to a place where I was first introduced to Him and where I have my spiritual roots and heritage.

I don’t expect it to be easy. I expect opposition and skepticism, but that doesn’t matter. What matters to me is whether or not I am doing what God has called me to do and to be.  When you are certain of your calling and purpose, circumstances aren’t as likely to influence you.